Gamelan
Strange leaves beneath our feet, hitting our faces, shielding us from the Balinese sun. Beetles cling to bark in the undergrowth. Something underfoot. Don’t look. Just move on. We can't have strayed too far. Everywhere squares of sunlight spring to life, then hide, again, again! Shrill cicada cries, strangely pitched, beating in our ears.
through rhythms
in the forest we wander
surprisingly, a gamelan plays
*
the prose part is strong and i like it very much.
ReplyDeletei have a problem with the haiku, though... basically, it simply repeats the message of the prose and i would much rather it showed the surprise rather than telling about it...
I see that you must have made the change that Polona suggested. It worked. It easily reminds me of Basho's own haibun.
ReplyDeleteBut it lacks your personality.
Your best haiku (or I should say "my favorite") is the one about Oliver:
oliver looks
to the sky~
the bottle drains
This is universal. It's brilliant.
Your personality shines in this haiku. It's the one that wowed me. There's no mistaking this haiku for a haiku by Basho, Buson or Shiki. I've sensed this search for your own voice in some of your other haiku - I can't wait...